


Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations

by meelie98



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cryptids, Demons, Fluff, Haunted places??, M/M, buzzfeed unsolved au, ghosthunting au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 19:30:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17147768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meelie98/pseuds/meelie98
Summary: Oikawa is a believer. Iwaizumi is a skeptic. Things go about as well as you would expect them to.





	Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_Iwaizumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Iwaizumi/gifts).



> it's 3:31am on Christmas Day i only finished this a half hour ago and my laptop is acting up! i really wanted to do this prompt justice though. although i didn't manage a Christmas twist, i hope my giftee enjoys this story about ghosthunters, graveyards and not-very-romantic forests. (i took some liberties with the loose prompt of ghosthunting - i love buzzfeed unsolved so much, i couldn't resist making it a webshow!)
> 
> written for [Lady_Iwaizumi](https://bodhithebird.tumblr.com) for the haikyuu secret santa 2018!

EPISODE 9: THE SPIRITS OF DATEKO ASYLUM

“Hi, fans, welcome back to Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations,” Oikawa chimes. Iwaizumi is rifling through a rucksack in the background. He looks up and scowls.  
   “Why are you filming with your shitty phone? I told you I was looking for the camera,”  
   “Sorry, Iwa-chan, I just looked so good in this lighting, I couldn’t waste it,” He shuffles back a bit to stand beside his companion. They appear to be on a small dirt path sandwiched between dense clumps of trees. “Explain where we are,”  
   “We’re not even there yet because you got us lost,” Iwaizumi grunts. He zips the rucksack up gruffly. “I can’t find the camera,”  
   “ _What?_ ” Oikawa snaps, playful demeanour dropping like a brick from a second story window.  “I packed it, I definitely packed it,”  
   “Check your fanny pack,” Iwaizumi thrusts his hand out and a blur of green and muffled talking transitions to his unimpressed face.  
   “It’s _not_ a fanny pack. Do I look like a middle aged woman?” There’s a brief silence. Iwaizumi blinks awkwardly into Oikawa’s phone. “Go on, tell the viewer’s where we’re going,” Oikawa says, out of shot.  
   “We, uh, are going to Dateko Asylum in southern Osaka. It was a mental institute that was shut down in the early 1960s and…me and Oikawa are going to check the place out for ghosts, apparently,” He rolls his eyes.  
   “Pull faces if you want, Iwa-chan. Dateko is meant to be one of the most haunted spots in all of Japan,” Oikawa picks some discarded items off the ground and shoves them back into his fanny pack. “Found the camera,”  
   “Good.”  
   The footage cuts out.

* * *

Iwaizumi is shaking his head as he walks. An immense concrete wall stretches out behind him.  
   “I heard nothing,” He shrugs.  
   “You’re so determined not to believe in the supernatural you’ll deny your own sense of hearing! You’re so stubborn,” Oikawa squawks from behind the camera.  
   “ _I’m_ stubborn?” says Iwaizumi, disbelieving. “You’ve been on this earth since 1994 and studied science for how many years at school? And you still believe in all this crazy shit without an ounce of evidence!”  
   “I do have evidence!” The frame shakes, as though Oikawa is waving is hands around emphatically. “What we just heard in there!”  
  “I’ll repeat myself, then: I heard _nothing_.” says Iwaizumi.  
  “When we were in that corridor, near the medical ward, you could hear the spirits saying ‘Let’s go!’ They were _chanting_ it,” Oikawa hisses. The frustration in his voice gives way to excitement midway through the sentence. The stretch of wall behind Iwaizumi has grown distant, and the huge, imposing building it surrounds is now in shot. It’s everything you’d expect a haunted asylum to look like, right down to the rusted bars on the windows.  
   “I was conveniently talking on the phone when we were by the medical ward,” Iwaizumi snorts. “And that’s _just_ when all the ghosts came out. Damn,”  
   “You’ll hear it on the recordings,”  
   “Sure I will,”  
   “At least admit the place was creepy,” Oikawa’s pout is almost audible.  
   “Well, yeah, okay. That’s pretty hard to deny,” Just before they begin to follow the dirt track from the beginning of the episode, Iwaizumi peers back up at the giant form of Dateko, shrouded in fog. He wrinkles his nose. “Considering you do so much research on these places, could you please explain why the a bunch of dead patients from a mental institute that closed in the middle of the 20th century would be chanting like teenagers at a sports game?” Iwaizumi’s expression is as gruff as ever, but the satisfaction in his eyes is obvious. Oikawa makes some strange noises, before yelling,  
   “Oh just shut up, Iwa-chan!”  
   The footage cuts out.

EPISODE 21: KARASUNO HIGH SECURITY PRISON

“Hi, fans, welcome back to Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations. In today’s episode we will be visiting Karasuno High Security Prison, a prison that held some of the most infamous Japanese criminals in history,” Oikawa flashes a peace sign and Iwaizumi grumbles something, inaudibly, from behind the camera. Oikawa stands in front of the doors of a wide, red brick building, and steely grey melted snow surrounds his legs. He’s wrapped up snuggly in a pea coat, soft chestnut brown strands of his hair poking out from beneath a pale blue beanie.  
   “We’re also in Rikubetsu, the coldest place in Japan,” Iwaizumi grits out. He shoves his phone into shot; a weather forecast in the corner of his lockscreen displays the number ‘-7’ in thick white letters.  
   “It’s atmospheric, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa slaps the wall. “Cold-hearted killers were kept in here. It only makes sense we’ve come to visit in the midst of a blizzard,” He stares outwards dramatically, brown eyes well-lashed and glistening. Presumably, somewhere, a thousand twelve year old girls watching Episode 21 of Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations swoon theatrically.  
  “Okay, Trashykawa,” Iwaizumi scoffs, walking in through the door of the prison. It’s not particularly large or foreboding – just a rusted steel slab with a small grate window at its top.  
   “Hey, wait up!” Oikawa cries, rushing after him. The inside of the prison is pitch black, and the camera’s night vision function kicks in. Cobwebs cover the floor of a long, dark corridor. Iwaizumi powers through it, annoyance evident.  
   “It’s ‘atmospheric’? What were your thoughts on the atmosphere this morning when you were screaming at me about the temperature in our hotel room?”  
   “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Oikawa shrugs.  
   “Of course not,” Iwaizumi carries on walking. Very little of the prison’s details are actually appreciable with how fast he’s moving. “And what the hell do you mean blizzard? People aren’t blind you know, they’ll be able to see in the footage it’s not snowing one bit,”  
   “Oh, _sorry._ It wouldn’t have been a very good intro if I’d said ‘ _Hey viewers, here we are where a bunch of violent serial killers were locked up years ago and I’m freezing my ass off on a pile of half-melted slush in the middle of nowhere,”_ Oikawa hisses. His loud voice echoes through the corridors of the prison ominously, but any eeriness is dampened by Iwaizumi turning around to face his friend and getting a shot of him tugging his right eye downward and poking his tongue out in the process. Oikawa rushes to a neutral position, wiping any signs of childish mockery off of his face.  
   Iwaizumi punches him in the arm, hard. There’s some loud shouts of protests, some brief ghoulish discussions, and then the footage cuts out.

* * *

**Katie <3  
**@itstruekat  
GUYS DJSJSJSKSK I DON’T WANT TO SOUND LIKE A CRACKHEAD BUT I SWEAR IN THE RECENT EPISODE OF SIPI OIKAWA AND IWA WERE ACTING LIKE A MARRIED COUPLE #seijohinc

 **Aiko Kobayashi**  
@aikomg__  
@itstrue kat i knew i wasnt the only one getting that vibe w/ them lmao oikawa did that for the gays

 **Bennyyy  
**@joonloveclub  
@itstruekat theyre such a brotp tbh sjdfisdhfijk hajime clearly doesnt think ghosts are real for one minute but he still goes all around the country with tooru just to go to these weird abandoned buildings nd see nothing. thats ride or die!

 **Katie <3  
**@itstruekat  
@joonloveclub even if ghosts were real i feel like Iwaizumi would just give 0 shits?? like he’d refuse to be surprised by it just to piss of oikawa

 **Oikawa (SIPI)  
**@oiksSIPI  
@itstruekat this is correct

 **Katie <3  
**@itstruekat  
@oiksSIPI  SFBSDIUFSFDL WHAT PART IS

 **ig: cordamnbleu  
**@bluevioletts  
Are people seriously ‘shipping’ Oikawa and Iwaizumi from #SIPI? They’re not characters from a book or smth, they’re real people with feelings and they don’t exist for your pleasure. Consume their content and don’t be weird about it.

 **Rotoro**  
@rototototo  
can’t believe the guys from #SIPI visited my hometown of rikubetsu and oikawa called it the ‘middle of nowhere’. like you’re not wrong but pleeeaassse :'( #smalltownfeels #yougetusedtothecold

 **Iwaizumi Hajime (SIPI)  
**@IwaSeijohInc  
@rototototo Sorry my co-star @oiksSIPI is an asshole. As consolation for riffing on your hometown we will be sending you a bunch of new merch. Please check your DMs. Rikubetsu was a great place + I would love to return despite the cold. Thanks for watching the show.

 **Rotoro**  
@rototototo  
iwaizumi is so cool oh my god. he types so serious though it’s slightly foreboding

 **Iwaizumi Hajime (SIPI)  
**@IwaSeijohInc  
@rototototo Ahaha yeah. Sorry about that.

 **Oikawa (SIPI)  
**@oiksSIPI  
@IwaSeijohInc omg lighten up and use an emoji for once.

 **Oikawa (SIPI)**  
@rototototo karasuno prison was _very_ creepy and your town was very cold but it’s ok because i had a certain someone to keep me warm at night. ;) hope you like the free merch! tune in for the review episode on thursday

 **Iwaizumi Hajime (SIPI)  
**@IwaSeijohInc  
@oiksSIPI I will kill you

 **Rotoro**  
@rototototo  
DUUUUUUUUUUDE ALL THEIR REPLIES IM LOSING IT

THE SEIJOH SUPERNATURAL REVIEW (EPISODE 21)

“Hello ladies! And also gentleman. And whoever else. Thank you for tuning into the 21st instalment of The Seijoh Supernatural Review, a podcast in which we discuss the events of the most recent episode of Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations, and debate philosophical questions regarding the spiritual realm,”  
   “Alternatively, it’s 50 minutes of us making fun of Oikawa,” A low voice hums.  
   “Wow, hilarious,” Oikawa sniffs. “The grating voice you just heard belongs to the _delightful_ Matsukawa Issei and we are also joined by Takahiro Hanamaki,”  
   “We have no credentials related to ghost hunting by the way,” says Makki. The audio distorts as he speaks, as though he’s leaned so far forward his lips are brushing the mic.  
   “We were just invited because we’re Oikawa’s friends,” Matsu adds. “The level of professionalism on this show is mind-blowing,”  
   “Are you two acting up already?” Oikawa says, while the duo snicker at him.  
   “I’m here as well,” Iwaizumi calls out. “You know. The other presenter. I’m here,”  
   “Oh, I never forget,” Oikawa sighs.  
   “You do _not_ get to sound like the long-suffering one here. I spent three days freezing my ass off in a rotting old building for you, just so we could end up seeing exactly what we expected to see,”  
    “Hm?” Makki pipes up. “You actually found something _ghostly_?”  
   “No! I mean we saw a lot of snow and some shitty old prison cells!” Iwaizumi bangs the table the group are sat at for good measure and Matsu and Makki burst out laughing.  
   “Okay, okay, losers,” It’s clear Oikawa is attempting to calm down his jeering group of friends and take back control of his own podcast. Even under the strain of being the only believer in a room full of skeptics, he sounds like the rational, cool one. “Glossing over the fact we didn’t manage to obtain any audio or visual evidence of spiritual ongoings at Karasuno similar to those others have found-“  
   “’Audio or visual evidence’?” Makki muses. “Is that what you call those recordings of ‘ghosts’ taken on a tin can you made me listen to earlier?”  
   “I think we should focus on some of the weird events that happened at Karasuno. They’re not very well documented online and we didn’t manage to discuss them fully during the actual investigation. Our fans seemed particularly interested in the case of Nishinoya’s Bandits and their disappearance, ” Oikawa had continued on as though nobody had interrupted him.   
   “Huh, yeah. I guess it makes sense people wanted to hear about it. Isn’t that the case Kageyama and Hinata covered on their channel?” asks Matsu, casually. Immediately there’s a chilly silence, followed by Makki snorting loudly and some frantic whispering between Matsu and Iwaizumi.  
   “Who?” Oikawa frowns, clownishly confused.  
   “The uh, the conspiracy theory channel,” Makki adds. He’s quite obviously trying to stop himself from chuckling.  
    “Oh, _Tobio-chan_ , you mean?” Oikawa drawls.  
   “Yeah, him and Hinata did a video talking about the disappearance. It was pretty interesting. I watched it before we left for the train to Rikubetsu,” says Iwaizumi.  
   “Even you’re contributing to their ad revenue. Now _that’s_ what I find interesting, Iwa-chan,”  
   “How many new subscribers did they get in a month? 200,000, right? That’s insane,” Makki smirks. “How long did it take you guys to reach that number?”  
   “Hey, Makki, c’mon,” Iwaizumi warns. Makki mutters a quick apology, smartly enough. His failed attempts at arm wrestling Iwaizumi are well documented on social media.  
   “Huh, it took us around two years,” Oikawa says, breezily. “But that was with a few highly produced, in depth short documentaries as opposed to daily 5 minute clips on increasingly far-fetched conspiracy theories with such reputable sources as ‘the first page of Google,’” Matsu and Makki burst out laughing at Oikawa’s audacity, while Iwaizumi just sighs forlornly. Then Oikawa mutters, “Kageyama Tobio, _‘genius social influencer’_ …”  
   “Oikawa, _stop,_ ” Iwaizumi grits out. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Also remember that this is a _live broadcast_ , and that acting like a 12 year old isn’t appropriate,”  
    “Don’t you worry, Iwa-chan, I’ll leave off. I won’t start discussing that pathetic Forbes article on him,”  
    “ _Oikawa_.”  
    “I’m kidding! I’m kidding. The viewers know I just _love_ Tobio-chan. I adore him,” Oikawa leaves a pause after these words that say a thousand words. “Anyway, considering we’re already 10 minutes into the episode, let’s just get into some theories on the disappearance of Nishinoya Yuu and his two criminal accomplices, Tanaka Ryunnosuke and Ennoshita Chikara, who were all imprisoned at Karasuno between 1963 and 1968. In our video on Karasuno we actually visited Nishinoya and Tanaka’s cells and talked about the details of their vanishing on the morning of the 17th of November, so if you want the basics of this case I suggest checking that out,”  
   “Maybe leaving a like,” Makki suggests.  
   “You could also subscribe to the Seijoh Inc. Investigations channel,” Matsu proposes.  
   “Jeez, you guys are naturals,” Iwaizumi snorts.  
  “Thank you for that very subtle plug, Matsu and Makki. I remember why I actually invited you onto the podcast. Now. Our first theory on the mysterious disappearance of Nishinoya and his gang is one I’m sure everyone is expecting, and no one will agree with me on, but I’ll say it nonetheless.” Oikawa inhales as though prepping himself for backlash. He audibly shuffles some cue cards around. “Aliens.”  
    The yelling begins.

EPISODE 27: NOHEBI GRAVEYARD

Slabs of grey stone stretch out for miles. A giant overgrown crypt engraved with flowers and crumbling letters blocks out the orange blaze of the setting sun.  Amidst the maze of death, Oikawa stands, face bathed in warm light. He turns away from the fading navy sky and his pink lips part.  
   “Oh, hey guys. I didn’t notice Iwaizumi filming,” Oikawa blinks, oddly melancholic. “I was just taking a moment to reflect upon the setting of today’s investigation…” There’s a dramatic pause. “Nohebi graveyard.”  
   “It’s sort of weird you didn’t notice me filming considering you’ve asked me to retake this shot seven times now,” Iwaizumi grumbles. The wistful expression falls from Oikawa’s face; he smiles but his eyes gleam threateningly at his cameraman.  
   “Just go ahead and ruin the immersion then, Iwa-chan,” He sits down beside a gravestone, realises what he’s done, wrinkles his nose in disgust and then pulls a cereal bar out of his pocket.  
   “Isn’t that a little disrespectful?”  
   “I’m sure she’s glad to be in the company of a beautiful young man like me after all these years,” says Oikawa through a mouthful of oats. He slaps the gravestone like it’s a good friend’s back.  
   “You’re ridiculous,”  
   “Today on Seijoh Paranormal Investigations Inc. we’re visiting Nohebi graveyard, one of the largest graveyards in Japan, and the basis of many infamous urban legends,” Oikawa licks his fingers clean of any cereal bar remnants. “We will be conducting the infamous _Daishou_ _Daishou_ ritual in the crypt right behind me,”  
   “I mean it’s hardly a ‘ritual’, it’s the type of thing kids do at sleepovers,”  
   “You say that so derisively, but which one out of us was too scared to play the elevator game during the trip to Kyoto in Junior School?”  
   “I wasn’t too scared,” Iwaizumi spits back from behind the camera. “I just didn’t want to annoy the hotel staff,”  
   “Sounds like something a scared person would say,” Oikawa shrugs, standing and brushing dirt off his well-tailored jeans.  
   “I’m the skeptic here, Shittykawa. You’re running a web show investigating the supernatural and you were too frightened to bring a Ouija board for the episode,” They begin making their way towards the crypt.  
   “Okay, I’m already walking into a tomb and attempting to _communicate with a demon_ ,” He looks knowingly into the camera. “You want me to summon it outside its territory as well? Basically invite it to follow me around?”  
   “Sometimes I feel like I have a demon following me around already,” Iwaizumi sighs.  
   Oikawa opens his mouth in outrage and the footage cuts out.

* * *

There’s Oikawa and a black void.  
   “It’s pretty dark down there,” Iwaizumi mutters. “Do you want the camera while you go down the stairs? For the night vision,”  
   “No, I don’t want to waste the battery. We’ll have to put the camera to the side to get footage of us doing the ritual,” Oikawa lifts a tiny pin from his pocket. “I hope you’re not anaemic, I’ll need to take blood, Iwa-chan,”  
   “Don’t call me Iwa-chan while you’re talking about stabbing me with a needle,” Iwaizumi gives Oikawa a small shove. The pair begins making their way down the steep stone stairway. “And you’ve known me since elementary school. When have I ever mentioned being anaemic?”  
   “I don’t know. You’re so strong and supportive, Iwa, maybe you wouldn’t want people to know about your one weakness; a lack of haemoglobin,”  
  “I’ll show you a lack of haemoglobin,” Iwaizumi grumbles. Oikawa turns to the camera and squints.  
   “That really isn’t as threatening as you thin-“ He shuts up when they reach the bottom of the stairs. There’s a huge green and yellow mural on the wall of a man who looks chillingly snakelike, eyes narrowed to slits and pink tongue forked. The melted remains of candles scatter the floor and some strange symbols have been carved into the ground. Oikawa falters for a moment, a small crease forming in his brow. He’s made no secret of being disturbed by the idea of demons in earlier episodes of Seijoh Inc. and the hostile appearance of the inside of the crypt appears to have unsettled him. Briefly, Iwaizumi’s hand enters the shot, reaching out to touch Oikawa’s shoulder comfortingly. Before it can make contact, however, Oikawa flashes a blinding smile at the camera. “Someone needs some interior design tips!” He chimes. Iwaizumi grunts in annoyance.  
   “I’ve got the candles you said we needed for the ritual,” He shrugs, passing them to Oikawa, who stares at them blankly.  
   “Funny joke,” He turns the duo of yellow flowery jars around in his hands. “Where are the actual ones?”  
   “You said bring candles. These were in your room,”  
   “When I said that I presumed you’d buy _new ones_ ,”  
   “It seemed like a waste of money. Is there anything in the instructions of the _Daishou Daishou_ ceremony that says the candles can’t be vanilla scented?”  
   “It’s just not very atmospheric, is it?” Oikawa hisses. “And they were a gift from Kunimi,”  
   “Poor you,” says Iwaizumi, astonishingly apathetic. “Light the damn candles and prick me,”  
   Never before had someone made talking to a demon sound less exciting.  
   The footage cuts out.

* * *

Loud crashes echo throughout the crypt.  
   It is not Daishou, the terrifying serpentine demon. It’s Oikawa Tooru smacking a EVP machine off the walls of a sacred tomb.  
  “What did you actually expect? For him to appear in front of us?” Iwaizumi asks, unimpressed. “Calm down,”  
   “This thing isn’t working!” He seethes, frantically pushing at the small metal device’s keypad. “Not one hint of audio!”  
   “Could that maybe be because…demons aren’t real?” Oikawa glares at Iwaizumi’s innocent suggestion. He raises his hands in submission, the camera panning to the crypt’s ceiling.  
   “We’ve been in places with _way_ lower EMF readings than here and there’s always been some kind of audio to analyse. But here there’s radio silence! There’s got to be something up with the machine,”  
  “Should we just go?” Iwaizumi says. “It’s alright, Oikawa, we’ll get footage somewhere else,”  
   “Where else?” Oikawa sneers, chucking the EVP machine to the floor.  “Nobody’s going to watch twenty minutes of us walking through some giant dreary graveyard. I wasted our time doing this,”  
   “What else are we going to do in here?” Iwaizumi gestures around the grim tomb they’re stood in. Silence seeps through the room. The camera is now slack in Iwaizumi’s hands. “Stop looking like that or I’ll punch you,”  
   “Hah?” Oikawa squawks. “You’re too mean, Iwaizumi,” They start collecting up their things, and Oikawa can be heard blowing out some vanilla scented candles with more force than necessary.  
    “There’s no need to seem so depressed. It’s fine. We’ll manage to get an episode out of this. I’ll just make a big deal of the part where you jammed the needle in your finger too hard and started bleeding out during the ‘ritual’,”  
   “That wasn’t as funny as you made it out to be,” Oikawa grumbles.  
   “The viewers will find it as funny as me,”  
   Prior to making their way up the dingy stairway of the crypt, Oikawa desperately gives the EVP machine one last go. It is noiseless. Oikawa, being the grown adult he is, screams,  
   “Oh my God, just _say_ something you stupid snakey fuck!”  
   “Very mature,” Iwaizumi snorts at him. When they’re halfway up he pauses to say, “Ah, shit, I left the camera on,” He turns around until Oikawa, leaning against the wall and fiddling with a backpack full of equipment, enters the shot. “Maybe we can put your hissy fit into the episode,”  
   “Haha,” Oikawa grins, irritated. “Turn it off, Iwa-chan, I’m not in the mood,”  
   “You don’t say,”  
    The footage pans down to the pale grey stone of the steps, stained and worn from years upon years of tourists and brave teenagers travelling down them, hoping to get a peak of something mystical.  
    A chilling scream pierces the air.  
   The footage cuts out.

* * *

“Hey guys! Here’s an update for all my Instagram followers…I’m still in hospital from my nasty spill at Nohebi a few days ago, so production on SIPI will be halted for a while during my recovery. I’d just like to say I’m so thankful for all the thoughts and prayers I’ve gotten over the past few days, not just from our Japanese viewers but from people all over the world. I’ve had fans from Iceland send me lovely messages, and I want to make it clear that means a lot to me. Having an encounter with an entity like Daishou has…really changed my perspective of many, many things and it was deeply terrifying in many ways. It’s changed my attitude towards the people around me and the course of my own life. I’ve realised what I really want is to settle down, maybe find the right girl and have a family. Live in the countrysi-“  
   “Are you for real?” Iwaizumi can be heard shouting, distantly. “You’re using your apparent encounter with a ‘demon’ to get girls?”  
   “I’m not!” Oikawa insists, voice rising an octave. “I’m doing an Instagram live thanking our fans, and describing how life changing an encounter with the supernatural can be!”  
   “I want a family?” Iwaizumi sits on the side of Oikawa’s hospital bed, poking his head into the livestream. “You hate kids,”  
   “Untrue! I love my nephew,”  
   “Alright, correction: you hate babies,”  
   “And why shouldn’t I? They’re just sentient blobs!” Oikawa snaps, staring up at Iwaizumi, who raises an eyebrow. Oikawa looks back at the front camera of his phone as though he’s forgotten 3,000 people are watching this conversation.  
   “Nice one.” Iwaizumi nods, lips pressed together.  
   “Oh, so what? It’s not like any babies are watching this,”  
   “Turn off the fucking phone, idiot, I thought I told you not to be looking at social media while you’re in here,” Iwaizumi stands and picks up a plastic bag from the floor before snatching the phone from a protesting Oikawa. “Oikawa tripped on a flight of stairs and badly broke his knee, now SIPI is on hiatus for a while. There, that’s what happened, bye.”  
   “I didn’t trip.” Oikawa says. Any hint of amusement on his face is gone. He’s deadly serious. “I _know_ what happened to me and I didn’t trip. That... _thing_ dragged me down,” He holds Iwaizumi’s gaze for what feels like a very long time. Iwaizumi’s lips part as if he’s about to say something, but he bites the inside of his cheek and shakes his head instead.  
   “Here,” He throws a lump of bread from the plastic bag onto Oikawa’s lap. The bed-ridden boy takes a bite out of it.  
   “Milk bread?” He says, words thick. “Where’d you get it?”  
   “Bakery down the street,” coughs Iwaizumi, scrunching up the plastic bag and putting it on the bedside locker to his right and leaning in again. “This is his last vlog for a while, alright guys. He’ll be fine, I’ll make sure of it, he just won’t be online much,” He peers down at Oikawa. “Promise you won’t do anything to do with the show until you’re fully recovered,”  
   “Okay, I promise,” In all fairness, he doesn’t really hesitate. The milk bread has apparently muted Oikawa’s stubbornness, however briefly. He very elegantly picks some crumbs off of his hospital gown and stuffs them into his mouth. For just a second, Iwaizumi lifts up his hand and ruffles his friend’s hair. “Aww, look at him, guys, he’s such a Mom friend,”  
   “Mom…friend?” Iwaizumi repeats. His voice is dangerous. Oikawa beams up at him, smug and oblivious.  
   “Yeah. _Mom friend._ ”  
   The footage cuts out.

* * *

**unita bonita  
**@dutchprinc3ss **  
** holy shit is oikawa from #SIPI ok??

 **Kelly Werether  
**@thekwreport  
Oikawa Tooru having a literal demon break his legs and then getting pissed off he can’t vlog about it is the mood we’re going into 2019 with #SIPI

 **tetsurou  
**@ohohohoho  
FUCK DAISHOU fuck that stupid snake #SIPI

 **Sammmy~  
**@sam_musicx  
Who else saw the ig live @oiksSIPI did? 1. poor baby but 2. IWAIZUMI LOVES HIM SO MUCH DBSHDBNISKJ i need me a man to buy me milk bread

 **sakiteneneneneko  
**@satenki  
@sam_musicx RIGHT WHEN HE RUFFLED HIS HAIR I DIED THEYRRE SOOOOO CUTE

 

Silently, Iwaizumi pads by the living room door, craning his neck to get a look at his roommate. The clock on the wall reads 02:43, and light from a laptop computer illuminates the whites of Oikawa’s eyes. His plastered leg is balanced on the coffee table precariously and he stares at the screen with a vacant expression on his face.  
   “Oikawa?” Iwaizumi mutters. “What are you doing up?”  
   He doesn’t answer. He just carries on staring at his laptop blankly.  
   Iwaizumi shuffles over and throws himself down on the couch beside Oikawa, blinking blearily. The tab is opened to an article reading: ‘ _ONLINE GHOSTHUNTERS GIVEN CABLE TV SHOW’._ Beneath it is a photograph of Wakatoshi Ushijima and that horrible red haired gremlin he was friends with.  
   “They started their channel three months after us,” Oikawa sniffs. He purses his lips and tugs them to the side in consideration. Iwaizumi isn’t sure how to reply.  
   “…And?”  
   “And what?”  
   “And what does that matter?”  
   “It matters because if I was working harder we’d have gotten a TV show by now,” Oikawa gestures toward his knee. “If I wasn’t stuck in this stupid thing and we were actually on location filming we might be gaining subscribers,”  
   “You already work hard enough on the show. We’re not filming because you snapped your fucking knee in two. Why do you care so much what they’re doing?”  
   “Because they’re doing better than _us_ ,” Oikawa shakes his head. “It’s just like with Tobio-chan. They don’t research any of their topics correctly, they always talk about having ‘evidence’ of paranormal activity and they don’t actually have any,”  
   “You should go to bed, Oikawa, it’s late,”  
   “That bastard Ushijima is like a giant black hole of charisma. Yet he’s doing better than us. He’s better than me,” The laptop is slammed shut. “I need to work harder,”  
   “Lies,” Iwaizumi shakes his head. “Everything you just said was a lie,”  
   “No it wasn’t,”  
   “ _Yes_ , it was. Ushijima isn’t doing better than you because him and his fucking mentalist friend have a TV show. All that means is that he’s better at sucking up to executives than you. He’s dull, like you said. He’s a giant brick wall and not much else, and that means he’s easy to manipulate. That’s the type of thing show business people like. You run Seijoh Inc. . We do what _we_ want to every episode. You spend hours researching all this made up shit about ghosts and aliens and you document it and make timelines from it and you fly all around the country recording it. That’s why a lot of people like the show, Loserkawa. That’s why we like making it. It’s kind of offensive you think they’re doing better than us because they’ve got a higher number next to their channel name,”  
   “I just get so stressed,” Oikawa sighs, burying his face in his hands. “I’m scared we’re not going o upload for a while, or we’ll have a dud episode, and we’ll become irrelevant. I like this job. I like working with you. I don’t want it all to have been for nothing,”  
    “Huh,” Iwaizumi watches him.  
   “What?” Oikawa frowns, annoyed.  
   “You genuinely believe you had your leg broken by a demon but faceless hoards of teenage girls on the internet scare you,” They stare at one another for a while, then Iwaizumi snorts. Oikawa slumps his head onto Iwaizumi’s shoulder.  
   “You underestimate the power of teenage girls,” Oikawa leans in and kisses Iwaizumi’s neck softly. “We could just reveal we’re secretly lovers. That’ll ensure a lot of views,”  
   “We’re not secretly lovers. Anyone that knows us in real life knows we’re dating,” Iwaizumi trails his fingers through Oikawa’s hair. “Doesn’t mean they understand it. I mean I don’t. But they know,”  
   “Hey!” Oikawa shoves the laptop onto the floor and curls up beside Iwaizumi, though his leg is still poking out awkwardly. “Why can’t all our adoring fans know about our relationship? Most of them have guessed it already,”  
   “You sure snapped out of your mood quickly, huh? Back to being a conceited ass again already?”  
   “You are _so_ mean, Iwa-chan,”  
   “Alright then,” Iwaizumi concedes. “I do value our privacy, _but_ , if our views start plummeting I guess I’ll be forced to admit I think you’re pretty handsome and that I’m lucky to be your boyfriend,” Oikawa smiles widely. It’s the first genuine smile Iwaizumi’s seen on him in a long time, so it makes him sad to have to add, “But only if we invite Tobio on an investigation with us first.”  
   There’s a brief silence. Oikawa unfurls himself from Iwaizumi and the couch cushions in order to stand. He grabs his crutches and says,  
   “I’m going to bed.”  
   Despite the incredibly pissed off look on Oikawa’s face, Iwaizumi’s very happy his boyfriend is finally going to get a good night’s sleep.

EPISODE 30: INARIZAKI BOARDING SCHOOL FOR DELINQUENT BOYS

“Students staying in the second floor dorm rooms reported seeing the ghostly apparitions of the mischievous twins until the school’s closure in 1987,” Oikawa’s curled his upper lip in disgust. “What are your opinions on the so-called Atsumu twins,” He grits his teeth. “Tobio-chan.”  
   Kageyama nods seriously, his mouth a straight line, his black hair sweeping across his forehead. Hinata, stood out of shot, shoots the solemn looking boy an enthusiastic thumbs up. Iwaizumi tries not to snort. He wishes Makki and Matsu were here.

EPISODE 32: THE OWL MAN OF FUKURODANI FOREST

For once, Iwaizumi is in front of the camera intentionally. He’s grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.  
   “Iwa-chan, tell the people watching Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations where we are,” Oikawa says.  
   “Fukurodani Forest!” He replies.  
   “What are we investigating?”  
   “The infamous Owl Man that’s been sighted multiple times in the trees here,” It’s like watching some strange film where an alien or a shapeshifter has replaced Iwaizumi. Surely this can’t be him?  
   “Now I’m sure some of you guys are weirded out by my co-hosts behaviour. People who listen to our podcast might already know this, but one thing we somehow haven’t been able to establish in 32 instalments of Seijoh Inc, is that my dear boyfriend Iwaizumi is obsessed with cryptids,”  
   “I, uh, I love monsters,” Iwaizumi smiles, sheepishly. “Ever since I was little I loved them. That’s why I put up with Oikawa talking about aliens 24/7 all through elementary school, that’s why I put up with him starting a webshow about all this sort of crap. My favourite film is Godzilla, and, uhm…”  
   “Oh my god,” groans Oikawa.  
  “What?” Iwaizumi snaps, cheeks growing red. A deep crease forms between his brows.  
  “Nothing. You’re just so cute, Iwa-chan,”  
   If looks could kill, Oikawa would have died during episode 2 of Seijoh Inc. Paranormal Investigations. But the glare pointed at him now is still pretty nasty.  
   The footage cuts out.

* * *

“I just don’t understand,” ponders Oikawa. They’re wandering between the trees of Fukurodani forest, switching between serious discussions on the owl creature fuelled by Iwaizumi and attempts at hilarious banter fuelled by Oikawa. “What’s the logic behind thinking aliens and ghosts aren’t real but having a firm belief that big hairy monsters crawl about the woods next to people’s houses?”  
  “I do believe in aliens,” Iwaizumi retorts. “The universe is infinite. It’d be arrogant to think otherwise. I just think it’s idiotic to believe in little green men in flying saucers because some drunk American says he saw them in the desert one time,”  
  “But you think it’s logical to believe in the Loch Ness Monster because some drunk Scottish man says he saw it in a lake one time?”  
  “Nessie is a she, not an it,” Iwaizumi scowls. They approach a clearing amongst the clumps of pine trees, one with a solid oak bench and a huge, rusted plaque installed in front of it. The plaque reads:  
_FUKURODANI FOREST – HOME OF THE OWL MAN  
Citizens of Fukurodani village have discussed the Owl Man’s appearance since the community’s formation. Some say he’s tanned and brutish, while some illustrations depict him a frighteningly pale. Some have described him as thin and lanky, others as large and muscular. More worryingly, the nature of the Fukurodani’s Owl Man is still unknown. Documents dating back to the 18th century discuss his mournful shrieks echoing through the night, but more recent accounts from Korean tourists seem to categorize him as a peaceful if somewhat dim creature. Whatever the case, one thing has remained a fixture throughout all folklore related to the Owl Man; his bright golden eyes, shock of white hair, and nest-like home in Fukurodani Forest.  
   _A few minutes pass as they stand reading the paragraph, occasionally humming with polite interest. Oikawa can feel Iwaizumi beginning to fidget beside him.  
   “Do you want me to take a photo of you with it-?”  
  “Yes, yes please,” Iwaizumi nods frantically.  
   The footage cuts out.

* * *

The grating noise of rubber soles dragging against hardened soil fills the air.  
   “Stop walking like that,” Iwaizumi sniffs, gaze fixated on the ground.  
   “We’ve been going in circles around this forest for miles. Can we just give up?” Oikawa moans, only dragging his feet more.  
   “You never have this attitude when it comes to your little ghost episodes,” An eyebrow is raised in Oikawa’s direction. “Come on. You’re the one always complaining about needing content for the episode,”  
   “I’ve booked us an appointment with a cryptozoologist. Isn’t that enough for you?” Apparently not. Iwaizumi simply says,  
   “You know what the tracks are meant to be like. Keep searching,”  
   “Maybe I could if my _big,_ strong boyfriend picked me up and carried me,”  
   “Maybe you could if you crawled,” Iwaizumi suggests.  
   “Tch,” It’s almost audible, Oikawa’s false smile morphing into a sour grimace. “Well we all know you’re not _that_ big. Not even at 180cm yet, right?” Iwaizumi sharply _shushes_ him. “What? Everybody knows, Iwa, that information is on Google,” He’s hushed again. “ _What?_ ”  
    “There’s what,” Iwaizumi points in front of them. A man, beautiful beyond words, sits on a log in a freshly laundered suit. His hair is dark, soft, and slightly wavy, and his eyes are the most piercing green Oikawa’s ever seen. On his lap is a slightly wilted bouquet.  
   “Hey!” Oikawa calls out, and Iwaizumi glowers at him. He’s not sure why. The man peers up, seeming slightly shocked but mostly unperturbed. This reaction encourages Oikawa to stride right on up to him, camera in hand. “What are you doing out here?” The man blinks.  
   “I decided to go for a walk,” He says, voice even. He is unnervingly stoic.  
   “Weird place to go for a walk,” Oikawa laughs. It sounds very false. Maybe, just maybe, he dislikes not being the most attractive person within a mile radius and is incredibly suspicious of this man because of it. “Couple of miles into the Fukurodani Forest,”  
   “Are you an investigator too?” Iwaizumi asks, having approached behind Oikawa. They had already bumped into a few groups of adolescents wandering the forest with huge backpacks and binoculars that marked them as tourists instantly, though they had travelled so deep within the maze of trees they hadn’t seen anyone for around half an hour. Fukurodani Village is a small, innocuous place, but it’s fairly close to Tokyo. Quite a few people visit for its rich folklore, but it doesn’t seem like many come for the single petrol station and scenic walks it offers. “Are you looking for the Owl Man too?”  
   “Well, you caught me,” The man admits. Still, his face doesn’t budge an inch.  
   “Oh? So you are an investigator?” Oikawa is quite shocked. He feels as though he should have heard about this guy before.  
   “No, no,” He shakes his head. “Just a salaryman.,”  
  “Huh,” Iwaizumi glances at Oikawa and they share a look. “You’re interested in cryptozoology then?”  
   “Cryptozoo…ology?” The man squints. “No. I just enjoy the legend surrounding the Owl Man,” The majority of Oikawa’s jealousy has dissipated at this point; this man is very strange.  
   “You travelled all the way from Tokyo, presumably, just because you enjoy the legend?” Oikawa inquires, pressing his lips together in confusion.  
   “People travel further for less interesting things,” Iwaizumi adds. It’s true, but the tailored lines of this guy’s designer suit make him uncomfortable. He doesn’t seem like the type of person to sit on a damp log in the middle of the woods for nothing. “What is it you like so much about the legend?”  
   The guy observes them calmly. “Are you making a documentary on Fukurodani’s Owl Man?”  
   “We’re trying to,” Oikawa divulges. “We don’t have much footage yet,”  
   “I read tales about the Owl Man as a child. I thought his ambiguous nature was very interesting. People described him wailing or screaming, but he never seemed particularly malicious. Maybe just sad. And I thought a lot of the illustrations of him were very beautiful. Some children like boy bands or athletes – I suppose I was particularly starstruck by Bokuto-san,”  
   Iwaizumi seems puzzled by this, which is odd. Oikawa had thought with all the Godzilla merch he had owned as a child he might have been able to relate.  
   “Who’s Bokuto?” Iwaizumi asks. Oikawa pans the camera back over to the beautiful man on the log and narrows his eyes suspiciously.  
   “And who are the flowers for?”  
   At that exact moment, an immense figure bursts out of the trees with a giant smile and a guttural yell that sounds a lot like ‘ _AGKAAAASHI!’_ The figure appears to be a human, but he’s also definitely not human. He’s muscular and frighteningly pale, dressed in some kind of sportswear although his feet are bare. There’s a bizarre, spiky mess of white hair in his head that trails down his neck until it becomes almost…  
   Featherlike.  
   The humanoid’s eyes widen in surprise. They are yellow and disconcertingly similar to an owls.  
   Oikawa should probably be shaken to his very core, but the only conscious thought he can form is: _And those fucking idiots gave Ushijima the television show.  
  _ For a few moments, Iwaizumi stumbles around looking between Oikawa and ‘Bokuto’ as though seeking confirmation that what he’s seeing is real. Oikawa manages to form another conscious thought: _Wow, cute, ahaha._  
   Then Iwaizumi faints. The mysterious man sat on the log sighs and Oikawa rushes to help his boyfriend up.  
   The footage cuts out.  
  

**Author's Note:**

> it's very late and i have no beta. please forgive any mistakes i made. plus i've never written iwaoi before so have mercy if they were a little ooc!  
> merry christmas everyone! can't wait to open my presents in a couple of hours lmao  
> My Tumblr: https://heyheyheyyyyyyyyyyyyy.tumblr.com/  
> comments and kudos REALLY appreciated ty for reading!


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